Not My "REAL" Father....

Funny how those words - "not my REAL Father" - have turned out to have the exact opposite meaning now for me than when I was a child.  And I am thankful that my 'real' father understood my mind-shift in the years before he passed away in 2007.

Even so, those words have become even more meaningful to me in the past few weeks.

My Mom (who passed away at the young age of 46) was finishing high school in the mid-1950's.  She met a man while she was still in high school and they dated for some time.  Just after she graduated at age 18, she and this man became engaged.  Shortly after that, my Mom also became pregnant with me.  And shortly after that, he ended the relationship with my mother.

Family lore says that he had also been with another woman who was also pregnant with his child and that there was a 'shotgun' wedding, leaving my mom on her own to deal with her heartbreak, pregnancy...and eventually me.

My grandparents were very supportive of my Mom and helped her to keep me and raise me.  The man paid some money to my mother to help cover medical expenses and then legal forms were signed and he had nothing to do with me or my Mom after that.  Other than....again according to family lore....a few ominous phone calls made to the house presumably threatening my safety.

Eventually my Mom met another man and eventually they married.  I was three years old at the time.  This man adopted me, giving me his last name, and a couple of years later, giving me my sister.

Of course life is never really without its lumps and twists and raising children is definitely challenging. 

Somewhere along the way in elementary school, I realized that most kids had not been to their parents weddings and there I was in the wedding photos!  My Mom, being the honest lady that she was, gently told me the short version of the story.

As I grew a bit older into my teen years and started rebelling against parental rules and seemingly getting grounded every time I looked like I had done something wrong (whether or not I had!), the drama in me started to emerge.  I decided that the reason all this was befalling me was because I was living in a house with my Mom and a man WHO WAS NOT MY REAL FATHER.  This then was the real reason I was always in the doghouse while my sister was running around being perfect.  She, after all, was living in a house with our Mom and a man who WAS her REAL father.

Moving out, living without the parental rules.....is when kids (twenty something kids) finally get their brain cells back and realize why those rules were there in the first place.  And also that your parents really did know what they were talking about.  And that trying to teach these things to unappreciative children who think they already know it all was probably not the most fun your parents ever had either.

I began to realize the value of my family and my upbringing and had lots of conversations with my dad on the whats and whys and if you had to do it again would you do the same things of my growing up years.  As I eventually had my own kids and found myself teaching them the very same things my dad and mom had taught me - even using the same words sometimes - I became even closer to my dad.

Recently, I have been caught up in genealogy.  I've done a lot of work on the the 'tree' in the past 10 years and much of it in the last 2 years.  I have my dad and his family on this tree.  But one day my husband pointed out that my dad wasn't really a bloodline and suggested that maybe he should not be on there, technically speaking.

I pondered this and I did add on 'the other man' as an alternate father for myself.  I did some research to find his family members and ancestors and verify my information.  I did find out, technically speaking, that he is still living and that I have 2 half brothers and a half sister that I did not know about.  I also found out that he is estranged from his children and still does not want to know me.

I gave a lot of thought as to what constitutes a REAL FATHER.  A real father is not necessarily the one who created you.  A real father is the one who raises and guides you.  Who puts up with you.  Who loves you even when you are difficult and fighting.  Who forgives you for being a complete jerk sometimes.  Who is there for you.  Who is a family with you.  That is some of what constitutes a real father.

So yes, this other man is listed on my tree as an alternate father.... with a note so people will understand that a biological father is not necessarily the same thing as a REAL FATHER and it is my REAL FATHER who gets first billing on my tree.